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You've been running Google Ads (Adwords) for months, but the performance has been... underwhelming. You've tried variations of ad copy and you're getting clicks, but none of these seem to be turning into conversions...
This article sets out a planned approach to answer all of the above and help you do your own Adwords audit. So, pick up your hammer and keep reading. ** This guide is intermediate level so some basic concepts are not covered 
Skip ahead to section:
What is the HAMMER Method?
The HAMMER method is a sustainable long term Adwords strategy that focuses on improving the overall health and quality of Google Adwords account structure and campaign(s) performance to lower costs and increase conversions.
This is achieved by targeting better quality leads (and audiences) with ads and driving these down the path to conversion. The HAMMER Method:
The incorrect HAMMER method
The Problem
A client approached us with a common problem; their Adwords campaigns were getting a lot of ad clicks but not many of these clicks were converting into leads on their website.
Going under the hood, we found a mix of campaign types, mismatched targeting, lack of negative keywords, an inconsistent landing page experience and many more areas that could be improved for better Adwords performance. Applying the HAMMER Method
1. High-level account housekeeping
Some of this might seem like common sense, but:
Example of Adwords Account structure (from: https://www.wordstream.com/blog/ws/2015/03/06/adwords-account-structure)
2. Analytics - connect and ensure conversion tracking is working
Link your Adwords account with your Google Analytics account to gain additional visibility both ways. Most importantly, get access to your conversion goals from Google Analytics to track them in Adwords, enable target CPA bidding and other useful features.
If you haven't set up conversion goals in Google Analytics yet, this is an important first step! Tip: Google Tag Assistant is a simple Chrome extension that can help you see what code is/isn't working.
3. Macro account factors
Start by looking for LARGE problems that have the greatest bearing on your campaigns overall.
Or, think 'things that can destroy an entire Adwords campaign performance if they are not right'. Some examples of Adwords 'macro factors':
From: https://blog.hubspot.com/blog/tabid/6307/bid/33927/11-simple-but-critical-tips-for-creating-better-landing-pages.aspx
4. Micro account factors
Once the big stuff is taken care of, then it's time to dig deeper into the detail and check on the SMALL things and bring it home.
Some examples of Adwords 'micro factors':
The demographics report
It's best to target a smaller group of quality, relevant keywords and do it really well than to target a large group of keywords and do it badly "
Adwords audiences
Also try custom audiences if you have a large pool of customer data that you can upload directly into Adwords and build similar audiences from.
Look for clues in Google Analytics on affinity or in-market audiences and see how these perform - look for any outliers and even consider custom ad copy / creative if any of them really stand out (e.g. 'Pet Lovers'). Also check out life event audiences such as 'moving house' which may be relevant to your brand or product. Tip: As well as targeting audiences, also think about excluding them when appropriate. E.g. People who have just submitted an enquiry form on your website. 
Google Analytics affinity audiences
5. Evaluate after 14 days
Armed with all of these tips, you've gone and made some changes. Now, it's best to wait at least 7-14 days to see the results of any changes to your campaigns (or even a little longer if you can afford the time).
Additionally - it might be tempting to keep making bulk changes. But once you've hit a good baseline, it's best to keep changes to one at a time so you can objectively see the results and effect without overlap and cross-contamination of your results.
6. Repeat steps 3 - 5 (also Report)
Keep working through steps 3 - 5 and as above, limit changes to one, or a few, at a time.
Finally the all-important bit comes... Report on your amazing results! Our Results
This article was originally titled '10X your Adwords CTR...' but we decided that was a little too click-batey...
As for the results we achieved with the HAMMER method... it was actually closer to an 11.5X improvement for one client, so 10X is still being conservative :) 
Lead quality also improved, reducing Adwords spend, increasing conversion rate by 58% on lead forms and overall, improving Google Adwords campaign ROI for the client. But "clicks were down!" we hear some of you say. And yes, clicks did reduce - but this was a good thing. In Adwords (as with most PPC), clicks are what you pay for, so you want them to count. Prior to the Adwords performance improvements we made, many of these clicks weren't converting into leads or enquiries and the client was simply blowing budget on vanity metrics that seemed impressive. What's Next?
After the campaigns were optimised with the HAMMER method, this gave the client a solid base to work from. They could now either expand the existing campaigns, add new campaigns or increase budget with the extra available headroom they now had.
Or, they could sit back and enjoy the financial savings and spend less, of course... :) The HAMMER method creates a custom, scalable solution that maximises the value of clicks to ensure that budget isn't wasted now or moving forward. Final Thoughts and Tips
It might seem daunting at first, but if you take the time, there are almost always better ways to improve Google Adwords performance than spending more money or adding more keywords.
Take care dealing with Google support calls or suggestions from within the Adwords interface. Whilst these may seem helpful, Google is still a money-making business. The easiest 'solution' will often be to increase budget. Similarly, the list of keywords you could potentially add is almost endless. But this isn't Pokemon and you don't need to add them all. Keywords with higher search volume might seem better at face value, but ultimately you should focus on the keywords that are most relevant and specific to your business. Have any of your own tips to add, or feedback on how some of these techniques worked for you? We'd love to hear from you in the comments. 
Still stuck? Get a Professional Adwords Audit
Still want to run some things past a certified Adwords professional? We're happy to help.
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** Updated for 2020 **(1:30 min read) It's no secret - Digital Marketing moves fast. Keeping up to date can be challenging. Thankfully, in 2020 there are a number of well respected and (mostly) free digital marketing courses and training resources available online which are both easily accessible and contain highly current and relevant information.  In places like our home city of Perth, offline digital marketing courses and official training events are a bit scarce, making the option of online training not only quite attractive, but a must-do in order to keep ahead of current trends in the industry. Whether you are considering upskilling your existing marketing staff or looking into a digital marketing course yourself, we've compiled a clear and easy to reference list of 8 of the best online training resources to check out in 2020. 8 (Mostly) Free Online Courses with certificate of completion as noted In 2020 Hubspot continues to be a powerhouse of content production, as well as providing excellent free training resources through their Hubspot Academy. Still some of the most up-to-date training material available online today, with certificates of completion to be renewed every 1-2 years.
 Hootsuite remain a trusted source for social media specialists - with platform training as well as an assortment of both free and paid social media specialisations, there is something here for everyone.
 Google Partners. No... Academy for Ads. No... Skillshop :) Identity crisis aside, after several rebrands and a huge overhaul of the UI, Google Skillshop remains the best place to get free Adwords certification in 2020 with certificate of completion renewed every 12 months. Start with Adwords Fundamentals then move into one of the areas of specialisation such as display, search, mobile, shopping or video. Where else to get it but the source?
 4. The Digital Garage (by Google)
Hands on course content aimed at those starting out and wanting to either broaden their skills or strengthen the fundamentals with 125 online courses and counting. They even have local coaching available in some areas.  Everything PPC from the basics to more advanced topics that you won't cover in Google's Adwords training. Wordstream also provide a ton of info in the form of case studies and whitepapers to back up their advice.
 6. Udemy Udemy is undeniably a massive online resource of training and course content. Check the individual courses and do your research on whoever is providing the course content. Some of these can be less 'official' than other trusted sources such as Google and certifications not as valuable or well recognised.
 7. Moz Moz are one of the few independent trusted authorities on SEO outside of Google themselves. Check out their SEO learning center or their SEO certification.
 As you would expect, the authoritative source for all things Facebook and Instagram.
Every effort is taken to ensure this list remains up to date and current. Information is provided on behalf of third party providers and are not affiliates of MACH Digital. Logos used are property copyright of their respective companies. If you notice any of the info above has changed, is incorrect, or have any of your own resources to suggest/add please let us know. Interested in Personalised, On Demand Digital Marketing Training?
To the uninitiated, working with a digital marketing agency can be a daunting idea. Some of us have been burnt by digital/marketing agencies that promise the world but seem to fall short when it comes time to deliver.
On the agency side - in some ways - it's an unregulated battlefield where only the strongest survive. Working agency-side for over 16 years, we've seen the best and the worst. Here are some tips on what to expect when you're working with a digital or marketing agency and importantly - how to get the best outcomes. 
Know What to Expect:
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Tip: Any of these tools online will show up some errors in a report - no website or campaign is 100% perfect.
Beware the report-touting digital salesperson.
What to Look Out For
With all of this in mind, here are a few things that we still come across quite often and consider as possible red flags - be warned.
- 'Sales Person With a Report'
As mentioned above, many online tools can provide a free report. Can the person/consultant behind the report answer your questions? Do they seem knowledgeable? Do they seem to understand your business goals? Are they Google certified?
- Distraction metrics
Numbers like 'clicks' can look good on paper but is not always a good indication of quality of visits to your site. Other performance metrics such as CPA (Cost Per Acquisition) or ROAS (Return on Ad Spend) are better.
- Tracking should be set up on the account
Metrics like CPA can't be tracked without tracking and goals set up on the account. This should be done as a bare minimum. If these goals and tracking aren't set up or this hasn't been noticed - be concerned.
- Keywords or Targeting too broad
Broader, general keywords can sometimes generate a lot of traffic. They can also be more expensive per click and ads may be triggering for the wrong search queries ('keywords triggering your ads' can be checked in the Adwords interface) - leading to poor quality visits on your site.
- Lack of Touch or Knowledge
Your agency or Adwords consultant should be able to discuss advanced options in Adwords that are the best fit for your business; such as targeting and ad scheduling as well as be across all of the latest Adwords changes and ad extensions. This stuff changes all the time. If your consultant or agency doesn't seem to be paying it the time it needs to keep up to date, it might be time to move on.
Doing it Yourself
Adwords is a challenging beast when you first start out.
There are guides online which can point you in the right direction to give the PPC audit or management of your campaigns a red-hot go yourself, but be warned - mistakes can be costly.
DIY Vs Working with a Certified Professional
Often, Adwords professionals will have worked on hundreds or even thousands of PPC accounts. You don't get that sort of experience by reading a couple of guides online and hoping for the best.
The type of insight that a good certified Adwords Professional can gain in a couple of hours of an audit could be more than someone less skilled might do in several weeks (or months).
Adwords Express
More recently, there is Google's 'Adwords Express' option. This is AI-based and essentially like setting the campaigns to autopilot. AI then attempts to do most of the hard work for you. Even with that, there is always a risk of wasting budget (which Google doesn't seem to usually mind so much :)
Here's more info on how it works: https://www.google.com.au/adwords/express/how-it-works/
There are guides online which can point you in the right direction to give the PPC audit or management of your campaigns a red-hot go yourself, but be warned - mistakes can be costly.
DIY Vs Working with a Certified Professional
Often, Adwords professionals will have worked on hundreds or even thousands of PPC accounts. You don't get that sort of experience by reading a couple of guides online and hoping for the best.
The type of insight that a good certified Adwords Professional can gain in a couple of hours of an audit could be more than someone less skilled might do in several weeks (or months).
Adwords Express
More recently, there is Google's 'Adwords Express' option. This is AI-based and essentially like setting the campaigns to autopilot. AI then attempts to do most of the hard work for you. Even with that, there is always a risk of wasting budget (which Google doesn't seem to usually mind so much :)
Here's more info on how it works: https://www.google.com.au/adwords/express/how-it-works/
In Summary
Be mindful of the available options and what's involved.
Adwords is a great tool, but simple mistakes can add up. If not done correctly, Adwords can also be a great way to lose a lot of money.
- Getting a free PPC audit may be just that - a free report from an online tool delivered in the hands of a sales consultant.
- In the long run, a good manual audit from an Adwords professional is well worth investing in.
Adwords is a great tool, but simple mistakes can add up. If not done correctly, Adwords can also be a great way to lose a lot of money.
'Getting more visible in Google' is firstly a case of changing old thinking away from 'ranking for keywords' and more towards maximising a 'Page 1 share of voice', or 'share of SERP'.
(Check out our recent blog post to better understand why this is becoming so important).
Just to be clear - we're not saying that keywords aren't an important part of an earned strategy...
But in the world of SEO, where even Google suggests that it can take at least 4-12 months to start seeing tangible results and the competition is increasing every day - starting with a focus to improve Share of SERP makes sense.
Improving visibility and Share of SERP can give small businesses (and large ones) 'quick wins' and more opportunities to be in front of your most relevant customers when it's most relevant.
(Check out our recent blog post to better understand why this is becoming so important).
Just to be clear - we're not saying that keywords aren't an important part of an earned strategy...
But in the world of SEO, where even Google suggests that it can take at least 4-12 months to start seeing tangible results and the competition is increasing every day - starting with a focus to improve Share of SERP makes sense.
Improving visibility and Share of SERP can give small businesses (and large ones) 'quick wins' and more opportunities to be in front of your most relevant customers when it's most relevant.
What are The Benefits?
Take Up More of the Room
One on-the-front-foot way of thinking about Share of SERP is as this SMX presentation puts it:
One on-the-front-foot way of thinking about Share of SERP is as this SMX presentation puts it:
Don't Miss Online Opportunities
Or for the risk-averse, it's also a case of getting the basics right so that your business isn't potentially leaving leads on the table - or even worse - throwing them away.
Or for the risk-averse, it's also a case of getting the basics right so that your business isn't potentially leaving leads on the table - or even worse - throwing them away.
11 Things You Can Do Right Now to Improve
How can you work towards more 'share of SERP'?
In a number of ways - some of which you can implement easily and right away:
Note: we're assuming in this article that you've covered the basics such as submitting your site and XML sitemap to Google Search Console to ensure there are no errors and are now looking to take the next step to earn more visibility.
In a number of ways - some of which you can implement easily and right away:
Note: we're assuming in this article that you've covered the basics such as submitting your site and XML sitemap to Google Search Console to ensure there are no errors and are now looking to take the next step to earn more visibility.
0. Don't Waste the Space You've Already Earned
Step '0' is to consider the very basics of on page optimisation and the bare minimum info Google displays in a search result:
Make sure these are well-written, free from typos, descriptive, relevant and ideally include a 'call to action' in your meta description. Most modern web content management systems should allow you access to these things either by default or with the help of a plugin.
In short - Don't waste the space you already have.
- PAGE TITLES
- URL
- META DESCRIPTION
Make sure these are well-written, free from typos, descriptive, relevant and ideally include a 'call to action' in your meta description. Most modern web content management systems should allow you access to these things either by default or with the help of a plugin.
In short - Don't waste the space you already have.
1. Google My Business
It might seem basic, but - ensure your Google My Business ('GMB') listing is optimised, completed, up to date and appears when you search for your business name .
I.e.: If you want people to be able to use the 'Call' and 'Navigate' options from the search results, you need to have the 'phone' and 'address' information filled out. Makes sense, right?
Get started at: https://business.google.com/
While you're there, try the brand new Google Posts feature in Google My Business to publish your events, products, and services directly to Google Search.
I.e.: If you want people to be able to use the 'Call' and 'Navigate' options from the search results, you need to have the 'phone' and 'address' information filled out. Makes sense, right?
Get started at: https://business.google.com/
While you're there, try the brand new Google Posts feature in Google My Business to publish your events, products, and services directly to Google Search.
Google Posts example
2. Add Structured Data
Implement and maximise your structured data (especially if you are a museum, movie theatre, musician or sports group).
Get noticed, potentially appear in the knowledge graph or even just to help your business stand out in the organic search results.
One example of structured data is starred reviews:
Get noticed, potentially appear in the knowledge graph or even just to help your business stand out in the organic search results.
One example of structured data is starred reviews:
Example of structured review markup appearing in Google SERP
How?
There are a number of ways to add structured data and countless articles online, so we won't go into detail here.
Some of the most common ways are:
There are a number of ways to add structured data and countless articles online, so we won't go into detail here.
Some of the most common ways are:
- Via Google Tag Manager using JSON-LD
- Directly at a code level via JSON-LD or HTML
- If your site is on Wordpress or other CMS – Plugins such as Yoast or WP SEO Structured Data Schema
- Google's Structured Data Highlighter within Google Search Console
3. Consistent NAP Details
Ensure your NAP details (Name, Address, Phone Number) are up to date and added to any high quality, relevant directory sites that rank for your search terms.
Consistency also helps Google and other search engines 'see' your different business listings as the same business. This strengthens your presence rather than diluting it.
Again, this one might seem obvious - but we see it all too often.
A quick word of warning:
If you have a large number of location listings to manage, or need some help claiming listings, you could consider a third party service like Yext or Moz Local to make things easier.
Consistency also helps Google and other search engines 'see' your different business listings as the same business. This strengthens your presence rather than diluting it.
Again, this one might seem obvious - but we see it all too often.
A quick word of warning:
- Do keep in mind - quality over quantity and Google's most recent changes and best practices.
- Do not go out and spam a heap of low quality directory sites with your business details.
If you have a large number of location listings to manage, or need some help claiming listings, you could consider a third party service like Yext or Moz Local to make things easier.
4. Get Creative
Check the search results for other creative avenues that appear alongside your search terms.
Think along other lines such as...
Think along other lines such as...
- Does your business have relevant answers as an industry specialist to highly searched questions on Quora?
- Does your business have any press/media opportunities – online articles?
(Check out ‘HARO’: ‘Help a Reporter Out’)
5. Look to The Community
Get active on Social Media
Participate on industry group sites and relevant online communities, aim for a citation or link.
Again, this one comes with a big 'take care' warning.
For example - Old spammy back linking techniques are high risk and mostly don't even work these days. In short - your guest post should of quality and provide value in it's own right or be highly relevant... not simply a reason to back link to your own site to 'get more links'.
Here's a video from Google's Matt Cutts which addresses the question of guest blogging (even back in 2012 it was getting into a grey area).
Participate on industry group sites and relevant online communities, aim for a citation or link.
Again, this one comes with a big 'take care' warning.
For example - Old spammy back linking techniques are high risk and mostly don't even work these days. In short - your guest post should of quality and provide value in it's own right or be highly relevant... not simply a reason to back link to your own site to 'get more links'.
Here's a video from Google's Matt Cutts which addresses the question of guest blogging (even back in 2012 it was getting into a grey area).
And here in a more recent 2017 video - Google's Marie Haynes discusses which type of links you can get that do/don't comply with Google's guidelines:
6. Buy it With Adwords
The phrase "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" comes to mind. But in reality, ads take up more space on SERPs than ever before... especially on mobile.
A few thoughts:
A few thoughts:
- Make sure that you take advantage of all the relevant ad extensions available to make yourself stand out.
- Depending on your business you might even try branded bids (bidding on your own name).
7. Match Content to User Intent
Don't become blinkered and optimise content for single keywords (or broad topics) - try to anticipate and solve user's needs.
In general - Write naturally, match content to the intent of the user who is searching for the page and provide a solution.
An example of keywords matched to user intent:
In general - Write naturally, match content to the intent of the user who is searching for the page and provide a solution.
An example of keywords matched to user intent:
Source: https://www.link-assistant.com/news/optimizing-for-semantic-search.html
8. Give the Best Answer
Taking point 7 a step further...
Strive to create the very best answer to the question or solution to the problem that the user may be looking for with quality content – a great response that truly deserves to rank on page one organically.
As a bonus result, possibly earn a spot as a featured answer directly on the SERP:
Strive to create the very best answer to the question or solution to the problem that the user may be looking for with quality content – a great response that truly deserves to rank on page one organically.
As a bonus result, possibly earn a spot as a featured answer directly on the SERP:
9. Think Beyond Text on a Page
Google also displays info such as Videos, Images, News, Maps, Books, Products and Twitter feeds on the search results page.
Could your great answer from point 7-8 be better served as a how-to video, infographic or a PDF e-book?
Could your great answer from point 7-8 be better served as a how-to video, infographic or a PDF e-book?
10. Hijack The Knowledge Graph
Think of other ways to (respectfully) hijack the knowledge graph...
Perhaps build a glossary page or aim to achieve a '#0 ranking' in Google for answers
Perhaps build a glossary page or aim to achieve a '#0 ranking' in Google for answers
Here is a possible result:
Example of a structured snippet appearing on the SERP
11. Wear a White Hat. Don't Be That Guy...
Lastly (it needs to be said) - don't try to game or trick the search engines.
Most of those techniques have long been marked as black hat and if they aren't, it's probably not long before they end up on Google's radar.
Even if you're winning now with black hat, you might be one algorithm update away from getting a slap down and losing all of your hard work.
Most of those techniques have long been marked as black hat and if they aren't, it's probably not long before they end up on Google's radar.
Even if you're winning now with black hat, you might be one algorithm update away from getting a slap down and losing all of your hard work.
(12) What we haven't covered here ('other stuff')...
We'd call these separate topics in their own right and there is plenty of info online that covers these in detail:
- The technical side of SEO (and no, this article is not intended as an 'SEO guide')
- Content marketing
- AMP pages
- Social Media in detail
In Conclusion
We still see many small, medium (and some large) businesses missing the basics when it comes to visibility online, when it's more critical than ever to start from a solid foundation.
This does leave opportunities on the table for those who can adjust their thinking and start considering the way the modern SERP works and looks - ultimately, maximising their share of SERP.
We hope this guide offers some practical, actionable steps to improve your business' visibility online and improve your share of SERP.
This does leave opportunities on the table for those who can adjust their thinking and start considering the way the modern SERP works and looks - ultimately, maximising their share of SERP.
We hope this guide offers some practical, actionable steps to improve your business' visibility online and improve your share of SERP.
Get the Infographic
Additional reading:
This article on PPC Hero expands further on 'share of SERP' and this SMX post on Slideshare gives further tips (including some more advanced ones on implementation and optimisation.
This article on PPC Hero expands further on 'share of SERP' and this SMX post on Slideshare gives further tips (including some more advanced ones on implementation and optimisation.
Google's ongoing commitment to education in digital marketing is significant and hard to miss. Their list of online courses and digital marketing training partnerships keeps growing all the time.
This list is expanding so rapidly that (in addition to our recent article 8 (Mostly) Free Digital Marketing Courses & Training Resources Online) we thought it was worthwhile to expand out on Google's online course offerings in one place.
The list is below.
This list is expanding so rapidly that (in addition to our recent article 8 (Mostly) Free Digital Marketing Courses & Training Resources Online) we thought it was worthwhile to expand out on Google's online course offerings in one place.
The list is below.
Short Form Courses and Certifications
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Provider
Free/Paid? Free |
Certification
Yes, most including certificate of completion. Content / Level Fundamentals through to advanced certifications for Google Adwords and Analytics as well as the (added in 2017) Mobile Sites certification aimed at developers. ** From early 2018 - Google Partners content has been moved into Academy for Ads |
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Provider
Free/Paid? Free |
Certification
Not a certification but a 'certificate of achievement' is given on completion of modules. Content / Level Short form introductory level training resources via LMS that cover key online marketing areas focused around Google products - Adwords, Ad Exchange, Doubleclick, Programmatic, Mobile, Web Design and Creative. |
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Provider
Free/Paid? Free |
Certification
Currently not offering certifications or certificates of completion (apparently certificates were rewarded initially but these are now removed). According the FAQ page and this forum thread "some exciting updates to course content and certification is coming soon, so stay tuned!" Content / Level Currently 4 courses: Analytics for Beginners, Advanced Google Analytics, Ecommerce Analytics: From Data to Decisions, Google Tag Manager Fundamentals. |
4. The Digital Garage (by Google)
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Provider
Google, IAB Europe Free/Paid? Free |
Certification
From the site: "Complete each of the 23 topics and unlock every badge, you can earn the esteemed Digital Garage Certificate of Online Proficiency" Content / Level Free entry-level courses on everything from search to social media, to help you grow your business or career. |
5. Primer (by Google)
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Provider
Free/Paid? Free |
Certification
Unsure Content / Level "Bite-sized lessons to better your business". Short form lesson content delivered by Android or iPhone app and personalised to you. "Primer is a fast, easy way to learn new business and digital marketing skills. You can take our interactive lessons whenever you have 5 minutes free." |
Longer Online Courses
6. Squared Online
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Certification
Yes. The Squared Online Certificate in Digital Marketing. Content / Level "The digital marketing leadership course developed with Google" aimed at "marketing managers, bright grads and professionals looking to enter the industry". 130 hours of practical learning over 5 months. PPC, SEO, analytics, and programmatic taught by industry experts |
We'll aim to keep this article updated as the list undoubtedly continues to grow. Feel free to message us or comment with any other Google Online Courses to add or if any of the information above changes.
Related Posts:
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Digital Marketing Training Courses
Get the knowledge you need: personalised, on demand training courses
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Working in an industry like digital marketing, where the products are intangible and there's a knowledge gap so wide you could drive a bus through certainly has it's share of challenges.
These comics are a light-hearted look at what it might be like if Plumbers had to work like Digital Marketers.
We hope at least that it gives digital marketers out there a bit of a laugh (you are not alone!).
These comics are a light-hearted look at what it might be like if Plumbers had to work like Digital Marketers.
We hope at least that it gives digital marketers out there a bit of a laugh (you are not alone!).
Client: Can you also fix my light switches while you're here?
Plumber: No, sorry. You need an Electrician for that, not a Plumber.
Client: Aren't they the same thing?
Plumber: No, sorry. You need an Electrician for that, not a Plumber.
Client: Aren't they the same thing?
Client: Can you meet me for a coffee?
I want to pick your brain about plumbing for an hour. I'm not ready to pay you for your services, but hopefully the $4 coffee will serve as adequate compensation for your time.
I want to pick your brain about plumbing for an hour. I'm not ready to pay you for your services, but hopefully the $4 coffee will serve as adequate compensation for your time.
Client: A stranger rang me out of the blue and said they can do my plumbing work for cheaper.
I appreciate your services for the last 4 years, but I'm thinking of going with them, even though I've never met them, don't really know who they are and have no evidence of the quality of their work.
I don't even know if they are a real plumber (or a real person), but they sounded good on the phone.
I appreciate your services for the last 4 years, but I'm thinking of going with them, even though I've never met them, don't really know who they are and have no evidence of the quality of their work.
I don't even know if they are a real plumber (or a real person), but they sounded good on the phone.
Client: Thank you for your advice about plumbing, but I think I'll ignore it.
I know you apprenticed for 4 years and have been working as a professional licensed plumber for 15 years, but I fixed a tap once back in 1996 and read a couple of articles online, so I feel that I have a complete grasp of all aspects of plumbing and can make a better call myself.
I know you apprenticed for 4 years and have been working as a professional licensed plumber for 15 years, but I fixed a tap once back in 1996 and read a couple of articles online, so I feel that I have a complete grasp of all aspects of plumbing and can make a better call myself.
Client: Hey, I just saw a 3 hour online course on plumbing basics for $19.
Do you think that I can take the course, then start my own plumbing business full time?
Do you think that I can take the course, then start my own plumbing business full time?
Client: So, tell me... How does it all work?
Plumber: How does what work?
Client: This 'plumbing' thing... I've got a few minutes, can you explain it to me?
Plumber: How does what work?
Client: This 'plumbing' thing... I've got a few minutes, can you explain it to me?
Client (calling in the middle of the night): The pipe under my sink has burst! water is everywhere!
It's 3am but I need you to fix this right now.
I'm not willing to pay you any extra and feel like this should be included as part of the job you did unblocking my toilet a year ago.
It's 3am but I need you to fix this right now.
I'm not willing to pay you any extra and feel like this should be included as part of the job you did unblocking my toilet a year ago.
Client: I decided I don't need you to fix that broken shower tap after all.
I went out and bought a Jacuzzi. I think it solved the problem.
Actually... I'm not even sure if I need water really...
I went out and bought a Jacuzzi. I think it solved the problem.
Actually... I'm not even sure if I need water really...
Job ad: "Plumber wanted. Must have 4+ years experience and also have a relevant degree as well as be a qualified electrician, carpenter, auto-mechanic, an accredited architect and have experience with bookkeeping. Dental experience would be a plus. Salary: AUD$40-49k depending on experience."
Disclaimer: This is intended as a humorous account of semi-fictional 'experiences' only. Any similarity with clients past or present is not intended and purely coincidental. 'Plumbing' was chosen as a random industry for illustrative purposes only. Some credit also due for the article we read many years ago that inspired this post.
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